Upper bound

Early January I heard the following statement:

"Our limitations are self-inflicted."

Though these profound words were said in the context of doing science, they do ring a bell even in our daily lives. One can say that if you let distractions like gossip, worries, jealousy, and even success affect the way you function, then these are limitations that you have created yourself. In my opinion, however, not everything that stops us from moving ahead is of our own doing. For instance, certain health issues crop up sometimes due to a family history or simply out of nowhere. The world economy crumbles and the jobs once considered secure, are lost. Your best laid plans fall flat for no fault of yours.

In comparison I feel our fears are perhaps always self-imposed. A classic example is my fear of dogs since school days (see an old post on it here). Now well into my 30s, I am still not prepared to overcome this phobia. Even today I will do everything possible to keep the longest distance from stray dogs on the streets. On a more serious note, there can be other deeper fears, such as a fear of opening your heart to love, a fear of commitment, a fear of abandonment, a fear of losing someone dear, a fear of falling short of people's expectations, etc. that can hold you back from finding happiness and peace.

When I discussed this topic of fears with a colleague I met during a conference, she said that in her opinion our fears can also keep us safe. The fear of getting duped, robbed, assaulted or raped can force us to be more aware of our surroundings, to not be naively trusting and to take certain precautionary measures. Indeed it may be one such step that could ultimately protect us from an untoward happening. However, the unease lurking in our minds can also bind us, curtail our independence and hinder us from what we might otherwise be capable of achieving were we living in a utopian world.

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Image (top) source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/madhanac

Gulaab Gang - violence begets violence

(Image source: official poster)

Gulaab Gang is one movie that I was very much looking forward to. Starring the once competitors Madhuri Dixit and Juhi Chawla this was meant to be a clash of the titans. When its trailer first came out I had thought the film will be crackling. But sadly it was a great let down for me. 

Simply put the story is of Rajjo (Madhuri Dixit) who runs a group called Gulaab Gang which is ever ready to put the danda (or rod) to use. Enters Sumitra Devi (Juhi Chawala) as the vicious politician to add to their troubles. Both power wielding ladies are soon pitted against each other. Who wins - the good or the evil? forms the rest of the movie.  

Personally I felt that all the good dialogues were used up in the trailer. The songs and dance seemed ill placed and slowed the pace. I wish the story to have been more of a battle of wits than weapons. In my view the character of Sumitra devi dripped of vileness in every scene and expression from the get go which robbed the audience of any twists or surprises. On a different note it also made me ask some questions. For instance,

If those who use their positions for personal gain, do so as openly? While extreme in nature, Sumitra devi mirrors the reality. I was revisiting the first season of Satyamev Jayate - Episode 3 in which a video recorded as part of a sting operation carried out by a bride-to-be showed her prospective in-laws loudly shouting and unabashedly demanding dowry from her parents and brothers. 

Why is it that having a choice between the right and wrong and between heaven and hell some people would still go for the latter option in each case? I suppose knowing is one thing and believing another. 

If today the Lord was to speak from the heaven would it help? The book of Exodus is full of instances of His glory and power. Most of us are at least aware of the part where He saved His people from the Egyptian Pharaoh and his soldiers by parting the Red Sea. Through their journey He was with them - as a cloud during the day and as fire by night. But when Moses did not come down from the mountain for a long time, they turned to other gods. 

In the film some cases were shown in which Gulaab Gang went to the rescue of ill treated women. But not once were they successful in appealing to the reason of the perpetrators and always ended up resorting to various forms of violence - slapping, breaking bones, cutting ears, and even killing. The action packed climax ends with Sumitra devi's mighty hand being both literally and figuratively cut off and with Rajjo also getting jailed. It reiterated for me what Jesus Christ had said when stopping his disciple from coming to his defence against arrest:

"… for all who take the sword will perish by the sword." (Matthew, Chapter 26, verse 52)

A lot of young men and women these days are inclined to think that the solution to all corrupt and deplorable acts is to simply lynch the criminals and offenders. But that does not change wrong practices nor put an end to all kinds of deceit and lawlessness. Martin Luther King, Jr. had phrased it way better:

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy, instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder the hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." (Ref: Where do we go from here: chaos or community, 1967, pp 62-63)

What goes into a great marriage - Part 2

(Image source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dark_ghetto28)

Continuing from where I left in Part 1 of this two post series, I am going to list out now the remaining five pointers for a great marriage.

(6) Show grace
What we receive from God is through His grace and not because of our good works. In a relationship we must extend the same grace to our partner. Living together spouses are likely to hurt each other on occasions. But it does no good to hold on to the anger. An advice my father-in-law gave to my husband and me was to end a fight before going to sleep at night and to not take it over to the next day. Be kind and forgiving in love. Do not keep pointing out your spouse's mistakes and don't get upset when they are unable to change the way you want them to. Realise that everyone's journey to God is different and that He works on each person in a unique way. Let your home be a place where your heart always wants to return however bad the day might have gone.

(7) Stay open
I have to admit that when I was in school and college I used to feel shy to speak up in class. Even now sometimes in parties or get-togethers I enjoy listening more. It is with those close to me that I love to talk. Not surprisingly a top priority for was me was to find a husband with whom I'll have a great comfort and vice versa so that neither would feel awkward in saying anything. In a marriage being able to communicate is so important. Couples must forge a bond of trust which allows them to share their stories with the confidence that they will not be made fun of. I think that specially when we are stressed we tend to keep our worries to ourselves in our desire to protect the other person. But such secrets only build up with time and make your heart heavy burdened. So whatever the difficulty don't shut your spouse out. Whether it is about a thought eating you or your love - openly express it.

(8) Plan romance
A few years into marriage a routine can set in a couple's life. Marketing for groceries, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc take up a lot of your time and focus. For those who have kids things are still busier. Taking them to school, helping them with home work and assignments, activity classes, sports practice sessions, their friends' birthday parties, … the list is endless. Along with that in India many married couples stay with parents and some even in joint families. Given this scenario it is much needed to take that special time out for each other. It is not about spending a lot of money but being together by yourselves.

(9) Be flexible
On my older blog I had once written a post (see here) inspired by Somerset Maugham's quote:

We are not the same person this year as the last; nor are those we love.
It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.

Indeed we as individuals evolve with time. You are affected by the happenings around the world, challenges you face, various experiences which you undergo, interesting people with their unusual outlooks whom you meet, and even by the vast knowledge that is now so easily available through the internet. A primary reason I started Write Around the Corner was because I felt different from the girl who used to write on My Scribbling Space. But it is not a happy chance that will keep us on track to loving a changed person while changing ourselves. It requires us to not be simply absorbed in ourselves but study our partner. Hear what he or she is saying and read between the lines. Don't always do things your way. Be considerate and be flexible enough to give in to your spouse's needs and wishes.

(10) Relax
I remember throughout my Ph.D. I used to be very serious when preparing for presentations. I would rehearse speaking so many times beforehand that on the actual event I would sound too practiced. But in the last one year I have learnt to relax more. I still go through my slides and make tweaks but I don't get worked up about it. I suppose it should be the same when it comes to our relationships. We shouldn't be obsessed about making everything perfect. The worst thing you could do to yourself is compare your life with others and give it a rating. Instead be calm and enjoy the journey. Make those changes which are needed but give them time to settle. Take up hobbies that you like and don't isolate yourselves. And when frustrated call upon God for help.