 |
| (Image source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/timdorr) |
Last Sunday at our church service the sermon was on the ways to have a great marriage. In our pastor's words a marriage is like a garden which needs careful tending. He gave us ten practical instructions based on his 23 year old marriage. In this post I am going to talk about five of those points based on what I heard during the sermon with my own thoughts mixed in.
(1) Motive
In India they say if your children are married then they are settled. For some girls marriage means security. Others consider it to be their fairytale ending. Romantic movie dialogues give the impression that it is a way to complete oneself and a key to finding happiness. Our Pastor however, equated this to a form of idolatry as you are putting a person on an even higher pedestal than God. If you do feel that there is a part that is lacking in your life then you should look to God to satisfy it. What then you might question is the purpose of marriage. A Christian marriage is the coming together of two persons to serve and honour God and it is meant to be demonstrative of God's love for the world. Just as the vows that my husband and I took at the altar said, a marriage is a commitment
to love, comfort, honour, and keep (your spouse), for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, so long as both shall live.
Rightly so it should not be entered into lightly.
(2) Be thankful
Living together for years can bring in a sense of overfamiliarity. It is very easy to take the other person for granted. With time you are no longer shy or intimidated to say or do things as you were in the beginning of the relationship. After a while your focus may shift to noticing all that is wrong in your spouse. This can obviously build up resentment in your heart and cause you get angry. In such a scenario it is very important to remember to recognise the good qualities your spouse has, to acknowledge the efforts they put in daily, and to praise him/her for the support and comfort they give you. Our Pastor suggested writing your spouse a letter or saying a prayer specially for your husband/wife to remind yourself why you fell in love with them in the first place. Philippians, Chapter 4, verse 8 also tells us that we should meditate on
...whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise.
(3) Lean on God
Last year I had posted (see here) how we tend to wrongly believe that we can achieve anything by our own efforts alone. In a similar vein in a marriage when couples face difficulties they are inclined to resolving their issues by themselves. While we are (correctly) willing to use different resources available to us, such as articles on the internet, self help books and therapy to fix everything by ourselves, we are reluctant to ask God or may be we even forget that He is in the picture. I believe that if there is one being who will not judge us for our weakness but love us all the more, then that is God. So when the going gets tough follow what Proverbs, Chapter 3 says:
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
(4) Ask for help
A question that was raised in this week's Bible study was "Why do married couples find it difficult to ask for help?" Personally I feel after marriage your problems are no longer just your problems as there are two lives which are now intertwined. While social networking sites are great at connecting with friends, they also tend to give a false sense as if everybody else is having a wonderful life. How then are you supposed to feel comfortable reaching out? These days the one spot I am quite at ease is perhaps our church. I have come to realise that it is not just a place of worship, but also a safe haven where anyone can go to though broken spirited and tired with struggles and still be accepted. For some it is not shame but pride that comes in the way of taking help. Mostly we want to be independent and are wary of taking advice. In either case, not drawing upon somebody else's wisdom could prove detrimental in keeping a marriage. So if you are shying away from friends, talk to the elders in your family. Sometimes it is just a matter of understanding that the difficulties that you are going through are not unusual and can be overcome.
(5) Fight fair
For starters I don't think any marriage can be conflict-free. I have previously written a post (see here) on the fiery aftereffects of anger and how to douse them. Hurtful words indeed have a habit of lingering on long after they have been uttered and can be devastating to a marriage when they are added to a list which is being constantly renewed and reviewed. This makes it all the more necessary to hold oneself from saying anything that could be regrettable. Taking time out and getting away from the situation at hand could help you gain perspective on why you are fighting. Ask yourself if you are simply trying to win a point over your spouse. Our Pastor advised couples to not exaggerate during arguments and avoid beginning sentences with "you never" or "you always". Something that I will surely remember from the sermon is him telling that the most important words in a marriage are not "I love you" but "May be you are right". So be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. (James, Chapter 1, verse 19)
No comments:
Post a Comment