Satyamev Jayate (7): Episode 3 Big Fat Indian Wedding

I know I am lagging way behind in my writings on Satyamev Jayate considering the progress that it has made by completing three seasons. But I guess it is never too late to talk about something important. So instead of giving up, I am choosing to continuing to go on.

Theme of the episode
In this episode the audience was specially comprised of men and women considered to be of marriageable age. Calling weddings as the national passion of India, host Aamir Khan involved the youngsters by asking them about their wedding plans. If a boy wants to arrive at the venue in a helicopter, then a girl knows for sure what she will wear during her marriage ceremony and later at her reception. But not all such dream weddings lead to happy endings.

Stories
We are first told of Komal, a resident of Delhi, whose marriage was fixed by her parents. While everything was nice in the beginning, as the date of the wedding approached the boys family started demanding dowry, which her parents agreed to give. On the day of the wedding itself while Komal was on the stage and the guests had arrived they asked for gold chain as a gift. After the marriage the demands escalated to funding her husband's trip to US and furniture for the home there. In US Komal was mistreated, assaulted, and deprived of her basic rights of even food when she refused to ask her parents to transfer the deeds of their home in her husband's name. Finally her husband locked her in their home without food to eat, water to drink and electricity to keep warm from the snow outside. In desperation she called a women's shelter who then covered her medical expenses and helped her to call her parents. In hindsight Komal's parents have realised that they should never have met any of the demands made by the boy and his family.

       Nishana, well educated with a Ph.D., was a lecturer in a college in Madurai. Though married into a well-off family, nearly 820 g of gold and one lakh rupees in cash had to be given as part of the dowry. After the wedding a demand for a car was made. Later the in-laws and her husband started finding fault in her appearance and forced her to undergo plastic surgery. All this affected her negatively and pushed her to commit suicide.

        Paramjeet Kaur's marriage was arranged in Punjab to a boy who was about to leave for Australia for his studies. In this process her parents were made to pay for his fees and tickets. Though originally she was supposed to join him there, he eventually left her behind within a week of their wedding. At her in-laws house she was continually ill-treated and insulted, not given any freedom and asked to bring in more money. Then one fine day they threw her out of the house. At the time of the episode telecast it had been three years since her husband has not returned back. Instead through his uncle's intervention he was asking for divorce over the internet.

The cause
When a girl's parents agree to spend lavishly for the wedding and give dowry, they do so thinking it is for their daughter's happiness. They worry that if the marriage falls apart then the society will look down on them. The fancy trends followed by the rich seep into the lives of the poor too, who also go beyond their means and take loans to to meet the needs of the rituals and celebrations.

The effect
In the episode the story of Santosh Kumar and Ruby Devi is also narrated. In order to circumvent the problem of paying dowry Ruby Devi's father kidnapped Santosh Kumar in whom he found a suitable groom and forced him into marrying his daughter. It is a surprise that despite such unusual circumstances their marriage turned out to be a success.

Turning it around
We are told that the group Tanzeem Khudaam E Millat has started the tradition of "no band, no baraat (groom's wedding procession), no dowry" during weddings. As part of the festivities only juice and water are served whether the involved families are rich or poor. Mr. Ummedi from the this group told that in Burhanpur which follows this model not one girl has been burnt in 60 years over the issue of dowry.

        Finally Rani Tripathi was invited on the stage and her bravado was brought into limelight. Like other girls whose story we heard in the episode, her wedding was fixed and similarly at the heels of the marriage the soon to be in-laws demanded a car. On hearing this she was angered and decided to not accept things lying down. Rani along with her brothers and parents did a sting operation on the in-laws. The recorded video shockingly caught the guilty party shouting with arrogance and demanding for car and money. Interestingly when this video was telecast on tv many people came out in support of her and men sought her for marriage for her gutsy nature, which is how she met her husband.

Action
Before winding the episode Aamir Khan asked the audience of their views after hearing everything. A sea change occurred in the thinking of the girl who at the start of the episode knew perfectly how her wedding would be. Very wisely she said that she'd come to the conclusion that she'd rather have a simple and lasting marriage over an elaborate wedding. She added that if the couple still wanted something fancy then they should do it from their own money and not of the parents'. Aamir Khan ended by saying that we should aim to prepare our children for their entire lives instead of being consumed by the desire to achieve one perfect day.

My comments
I have an indirect connection with this theme. I had a classmate in school, Amit Goyal. I remember him as a brilliant student, loved by the teachers, friends with everyone and yet without arrogance. Everybody knew he would become something in life. But that was not to be. One day when I was in Class 4th I reached my classroom room to learn that he had died. His mother who was being harassed for dowry could not take it any longer. She put her son to sleep and then set him and herself on fire. Neither survived.

I have lived a major portion of my life in Delhi. The weddings there were grand. On some occasions there would be week-long pre-wedding celebrations like sangeet (music and dance night) and mehndi (henna design). The food spread was always lavish. There would also be separate elaborate counters for chaat (all kinds of savouries), desserts and drinks. The clothes worn by the bride and groom were gorgeous. I have heard of occasions where parents have travelled to other cities like Jaipur and Lucknow to get specially designed dresses made. But the expenses however do not end with the marriage and reception. I have heard of traditions in which during the first year of marriage at each and every festival (holy, diwali, christmas, new year, etc) the girl's parents must give gifts to the boy and his family. One of my friends who was going to get married was excited at the prospect of shopping for an all new wardrobe as the custom is that the bride is not supposed to bring with her any of her old clothes.

One point where I felt this episode of Satyamev Jayate lacked was in discussing the history behind dowry. Questions like when did giving dowry become a part of weddings, why was it made a part in the first place and when did it change to becoming a matter of show should have been discussed. I am sure there are researchers who must have studied this.

The reason the system of dowry continues is that we have accepted it. In the hit movie 2 States released last year, Ananya (Alia Bhatt) is visiting her boyfriend Kirsh (Arjun Kapoor) in Delhi when they go to attend a wedding. Just before the rituals can begin the groom's parents demand a bigger car than they are being gifted. To arrange for the equivalent money all the relatives start chipping in, the women by giving their jewellery. Then Ananya decides to intervene and has a chat with the groom. She makes him realise how lucky he is to have found a lovely and smart wife who is better than him and so he should settle for the small car and get married. The groom finally finds his voice and does exactly that. In the movie Ananya is applauded for this act as she is able to save the day. But isn't this giving a wrong message? After all the groom still took the small car as a "gift". Don't you think Ananya should have instead talked to the bride and asked her to walk out? Could she guarantee that after the marriage this groom would manage to take a stand against his family in the secure confines of their home?

Rani Tripathi's sting operation video showed how the demands of the in-laws are sometimes not even made subtly, but with screaming. They feel that as they have invested a lot for their son (education, career, etc) who will now be taking care of his wife they deserve what they are asking for, that it is their right. The sons who either themselves want to benefit from this situation or are controlled by their parents, do not raise any opposition. Though it is in the presence of God that the vows are taken and the wedding ceremony is performed, such men and women definitely do not fear Him. Clearly their sight  is fixed on all that is worldly. But this not what the Lord wants us to go for. In Matthew Chapter 6, Jesus Christ tells us:

33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things[a] shall be added to you.

[a] such as food, clothes, money, necessities of life, etc.

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(Image source: http://stjohns-dc.org/worship/baptisms/)